Less then a year later..

Sometimes things happen in a way that makes you catch your breath. Sometimes they happen to make to question if it is really truly happening, and if it's going to eventually lead to something really really horrible happening. Maybe that's only me.

On March 23rd, 2012, six years and one day later, Justin and I got married. FINALLY. Many things held us back. He asked me to marry him oh, I don't know.. 6 months after we have been dating. We had different problems that held us back from finally getting married. But, we finally did. It was pretty anticlimactic. I think this because we had been together for so long, and we have been living together for a long time, so not a whole lot changed. I was now his wife, and he was now my husband, and we were officially the Barkers.

Now, what not many people know is that I had been on the pill for the last 6 years. The sheer thought of getting pregnant scared the living DAYLIGHTS out of me. I was too selfish to be responsible for another human life! But... around Christmas time, 2011, something inside me changed. What? I don't know. But I do believe in that biological clock theory.

After a long talk, I told Justin in January what was on my mind, and we agreed that I could stop taking the pill, and "let nature take it's course". We weren't exactly "trying" but not preventing. We get married on March 23rd, go down to Busch Gardens and Sea World for a little honeymoon thing, and come home.

April 3rd rolls around, and auntie Floie has yet to make her appearance. So, I'm home alone, and I'm one of those people that if something pops into my head, it must be done. My idea? Take a pregnancy test. Ok, this is were it gets funny. I worry.. I worry about EVERYTHING. I pretend that NOTHING worries me. Yeah, no. I go online and research pregnancy tests, because that's how I am. I end up at WalMart, and bought the Equate WalMart brand, and the Clear Blue Digital. I'm still alone, haven't even mentioned to Justin to what I was thinking. I only mentioned to my friend Candice that I was late, that's it.

I took the Equate WalMart one 1st, within 3 seconds (I kid you not) it screams that I am, in fact, pregnant. I cried. Took a picture, and sent it to Justin. I started to seriously wonder why it was SO FAST in saying positive. So I took the digital one... wasn't as fast, but still positive under a minute. Of course I googled it, and one of the reasons could be because of twins. But the opinions were very different, so I didn't take much thought into that.. I just kept being excited for the fact that I am going to be a mommy!!

Like the old adage says....

When you assume, you make an ass out of yourself.

Family

"You don't choose your family.  They are God's gift to you, as you are to them."  ~Desmond Tutu

Family is the root of who you are. When you're born, they shape you as a person. No matter how much you try to fight it, you are more like them then you think. You have mannerisms and even expressions that can help outside people realize that you are most likely related. You can't help where you came from, you also can't help how they are. You can just learn to accept them for who they are, and learn to enjoy the little quirks. I've struggled with this for some time, and I still do. It all comes down to this: these people will always be in your life, and have been since day one. These people really made you how you are today. Spending time with family that I never saw growing up, for whatever reasons, has made me realize that even though they weren't around a lot, we are so much alike. It's pretty awesome!

I also can't help the things that happen. As long as it doesn't effect my life, or endanger me, it doesn't really matter. I can't fight everyone's battles for them. What can I do?

I can pray. I can pray that everyone is ok. I can ask God every day, that he guides them on a path that will help them.

My heart aches every single day for certain people in my life. I hope that whatever personal demons they have will escape them, and they will find the peace that they need. 

I am not perfect by any means, of course. I just work hard every day to be a better person, and accepting the things that I can't change with others. 

Regardless of how crazy things can get, I still and always will love the family that was given to me.

Goodness

Let me preface this by saying: this isn't about anyone in particular.

I have always been pretty prideful of the fact that I am very easygoing, and I tend to seem like not much bothers me. Which, in a way, it is true. I am always in a go with the flow kind of person. I am pretty patient when it comes to most things. I have to be, my job requires a great deal of patience.

I have also been the type of person that I will go to the ends of the Earth for the people I care about. Sure, I have no children. Sure, I am not extremely close with my family. This isn't by choice. But, if they needed me, and I had the means to help, I would always extend my hand for them. The same goes for my friends. I know I may not seem very personable at times, or seem like I don't like certain people. I cannot stress this enough,

 If I am around you, talking to you and spending time with you, I like you. I don't hate anyone. I have been dealt a hard deck at some points in my life, but I don't let those things stop me. I am so grateful to the awesome people I have in my life, and I thank God every single day.

This brings me to a point. Sure, I act as if it doesn't bother me when people seem as if they don't care for me. I do really. It's not that I crave attention, or want everyone in this world to like me. I do know that is not possible. What does bother me is that when someone is brought into your life, unannounced, and you seem like you have a good friend on your side, and suddenly, you aren't anything to them anymore. I'm not saying this about any specific people, I am just saying in general.

And that is when I believe that MYSELF is to blame. I must have done something wrong. This has been festering in my head for the last couple days.

I was talking to a good friend about this today, and he said, "Sam, you're like number 134 on my list of coolest chicks I know, ever."

That is when I realized, nope. It isn't me. I have a great network of friends, I have a few people I have reconnected with, when I realized I was the stupid one. Some people are just completely unaware of the goodness they have, and the goodness that they can build on. This makes me sad.

Selfish?

I'm feeling rather selfish right now. I would feel very content in my life if I never spoke or saw you again. This breaks my heart.

Lost time is never found again.

The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that’s what you’ve given me. That’s what I hope to give to you forever.

Peace

On December 24th 2009, my grandmother passed away. It was inevitable. She was suffering from ALS, (more info) it was inevitable. Upon her passing, and one of my aunts passing the VERY next day in the same house. I was lost. I was troubled. I coped in various ways, that were stupid. I became pretty good friends with the bottle. Did some really dumbass shit.. Not only was I coping for loosing two loved-ones, my mother moved away. All throughout my life, my grandmother was down the street, and my mom at my side. My mom moved to Pittsburgh, and didn't even stay for my grandmother's funeral. I was mad of course. Luckily, I had a very good friend occompany me to the viewing, and my boyfriend's mom for the service. I am thankful for their support. But I was still angry and lost. I literally have NO ONE here. Family-wise. Now I think about it, I DO have family. My friends are my family. I AM forever grateful to everyone in my life. I am FINALLY at peace with that fact. I'm not alone. Not for a second.

In March I went and got a tattoo. For a while, I was scared I may forget my grandmother. I got this to commemorate her, so I KNOW I will never forget her. The latin translation is a little off, but whatever. LOL

But I am very glad to say, I am at peace with my surroundings. I know I'll be ok.


When we are present in each moment, the past gently rolls up
behind us and the future slowly unravels before us.
- Rev Richard Levy